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A couple of things about Paris Hilton.

First, I know it’s cool to knock her for being who she is. I also know it’s cool for guys to say how she’s too skanky for them. And, I know she’s been around the block a few dozen times, and is most likely a carrier of many diseases that aren’t even named yet (imagine getting Hiltontitus B from her). Even so, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to get that given the chance.

Paris and I share the same birthday. I totally plan to use that as my pick up line if I ever meet her, and I am guaranteed to get the sex. Actually, I might not even need a line with Paris, but I’ll throw it out there for good measure anyway. “Hey Paris, you and I share the same birthday. Wanna sex?” And she’ll reply “That’s hot. Let’s go. Do you prefer your memories on tape or on DVD?” BOOM – a brand new Paris Hilton sex tape.

Secondly, and this is news to no one anymore with our celebrity gossip-starved media and public, is that Paris is going to face “cruel and unwarranted” punishment in the form of jail time for being ridiculously stupid.

What I wouldn’t give to be in the same prison with her, and watch how this all unfolds. All I know, is there is going to be some big, tough, hairy jail house momma who is going to remember exactly how and where she got herpes. And it would totally be worth it. She’ll have street cred forever just by telling all younger, much hotter prisoners (you know, the way we see them in all the women’s prison porn movies) exactly what she made Paris do for her.

So, anyway Paris, a couple things that should help you get through the hard time you are about to do. Both orange AND stripes are in this year, so your fashion won’t really have to suffer. You can still be the princess you need to be, and I’m sure your cell mate will tell you how hot you are. Second, because you enter jail on June 5th, you’ll make the cut-off for the Ms. Slammer Bitch pageant that is held each July. I think you have a good shot at winning the crown. Also, you’ll now open up a whole new area for your acting “skills” (as long as you’re better than you were in House of Wax) as people see you as more diversified, and allow you to land those hard to get “tough girl” parts in any new movies. You can move from “One Night In Paris” to a whole new genre of parts. Like “How to see Paris for a pack of smokes.”

And best of all, think of all the mail you will get from those “Prisoner Pen Pal” groups. Just remember, when you get the letter about someone sharing your birthday…