ghoulpool.us ™

Like many of you, I feel like I am generally a decent person. Sure I’m a sarcastic shit who drinks way too much and has no tolerance for fat/stupid/unattractive/ambitious people, but I don’t beat my lady friend. I call my mom on her birthday. I let my dog lick my feet for hours on end. I give change to the freak at the train station who plays the Super Mario Bros theme song on his accordion. Basically, I’m a pretty normal guy. With one GLARING exception.

Ghoulpool.

This thing that we do, rooting for the death of others, is sick and I love it. The looks of contempt that I get from people when I tell them that I had Dakota Fanning on my death list last year never fail to make my day. Explaining to coworkers that I tried to get Suri Cruise on my list this year, but that she hadn’t been alive long enough to qualify, is truly one of my guilty pleasures. I want everyone on my list dead. And I don’t want them to go quietly either. A roiling, screaming, screeching fireball of pain exhaled from every last one of them as an AIDS baby explodes out of their chests would suit me fine. I can’t stand the fact that they are all still alive, taunting me for putting them on my list.

Basically, having a seat on my death list is as close to being guaranteed eternal life as you can get. As such, I end up spending time fantasizing about how these bastards will eventually die and I thought that I would share a select few of those thoughts with you.

Nancy Reagan: Cause of death: Hail of gunfire. She’s got to be on the verge. You know what I’m talking about. All shacked up in her California ranch. Alone. Slowly going off her nut. She’s about three weeks from a full blown paranoid episode where she takes Ronnie’s favorite horse hostage and starts raining pot-shots down at the Secret Service from the window in her attic.

Charleton Heston: Cause of death: AIDS. Dude has a weird thing for monkeys. Wasn’t there some off the wall theory that AIDS comes from monkeys? Yeah, well, there you go. Monkey AIDS.

Fidel Castro: Cause of death: Napalm. Seriously. Enough already. The dude needs to go and if nature is sleeping on the job a good old fashioned carpet bombing exercise should do the trick.

Joe Theisman: Cause of death: Mr T. How fucking awesome would that be? I mean, I’m practically jerking myself off for thinking of such an awesome death for such a raging vagina pimple. Mr T would break that windbag in half faster than you can kick your dog. YES!

Ted Kennedy: Cause of death: Cirrhosis of the liver. What?

Brooke Astor: Cause of death: Herpe. No, not herpeS. Just one massive herpe. I figure it’ll start on her lip or possibly her eye and grow until it consumes her. That fucking 104 year old slut. She can’t get enough dick. Plus I think it would be hilarious for a woman that old to die of a completely harmless STD. Slut.

Larry Flynt: Cause of death: Choking on Brooke Astor’s herpe. You just KNOW Flynt is in to some nasty shit. I’ll bet he’s always chewing on old crusty lesions. Toss in a dash of geriatric booty and Larry won’t be able to help himself. Sick fuck.

So that’s pretty much it. Of course I wish painful death upon Colin Ferrel and Ariel Sharon and the rest of the jerks on my list too, but if just one of these aforementioned scenarios can find its way clear to actually happening I could die a happy man. Screaming in agony, naturally.

— contributed by rjs